Childrens Toys Suck

It’s a very exciting time in the Rivers family. My brother’s baby girl just turned one year old. They say that kids will change a person and that’s true. I never thought my brother could love anything more than he loved himself.

I went to the birthday party, and my mom brought a birthday present on my behalf because I wasn’t sure what to get a one year old and apparently babies don’t appreciate chipotle gift cards.

My mom bought he a colorful xylophone. It was the second musical instrument she got for her birthday. And immediately she fell in love with the gift and started making the most awful noises you could imagine.

I guess when you have kids, you become giant losers and only hang out with other parents so all of the guests at the party were other parents and stuff. So they all brought their kids and it was like a puppy playdate. Everybody crawling and slobbering and pooping.

The other thing I noticed is that every gift people brought was TERRIBLE. EVERY children’s toy was annoying as hell. Noise makers, Musical toys, Building block things that will get lost within two days. Something for you to step on later. Something for you to clean up. It was almost like you’re giving the gift of a chore to the other parent.

The people that gave them the gifts are parents too, that’s why it has to be revenge. “Happy 1^st birthday! Oh, she’s starting to sleep through the night? Here. Deal with this shit.” CLING CLANK CLANG BING BOP BUZZ CLING. “Oh, she’s gonna be a musician.”