New York Drivers

I was in New York a while ago. New York Drivers are INSANE. And let me clear this up too. I’m not one of those pussy Seattle drivers going 40 MPH “Ohhh noo. I’ve never seen the rain before!! OH NO. I’m merging. I better go 15 MPH.” I go fast. I’m going 90. People in New York are still on my bumper. Flashing their brights and honking at me. I’m like we’re in a school zone. Chill out.

but I called 911 on a guy in traffic because it was 2am, I was on the freeway and a guy comes up behind me at like 100 MPH. but I can’t move because there’s a car next to me and in front. I’m trying to tell that guy, but I don’t know how to communicate that to him. I wanna be like “I see you, but I can’t. I’m not the asshole. HES the asshole and I refuse to flash my lights at him.” but how do you say that in traffic. I flipped him off. I was like “That’s hello in New York.” That’s what everyone was doing to me. Driving in New York is like living in Prison. You gotta murder the guy next to you to prove you’re a badass so the other guy leaves you alone.

So the other cars eventually move, but it takes a couple minutes and this guy’s been on my ass the whole time but I was already just furious. So I slowed down to 40 just to piss him off. and let me tell you. It worked. Honestly. Worked a little too good. Because after a few minutes of boxing this guy in, I was like “I think he learned his lesson.” and moved out of the way. And he followed me. I sped up. Changed lanes a couple times. He stayed behind me the whole time.

At first, I thought it was really funny. My buddy and I were laughing, I was like “Haha. I pissed him off. I win.” but then he followed me for 10 miles. I was like “He might get the last laugh on this one.” Even my buddy started sliding down in the seat as if to say “I don’t want any part of this. I was not involved in this decision.”

So I called 911. They said. Just get off the freeway. I was like “BUT THEN HE’LL MURDER ME!” They’re totally calm like “you’ll be fine.” I was like “Can’t you just send someone to meet me.” They were like “We’re realllly busy with stuff.” He couldn’t have been more dismissive.

I got off the freeway and I don’t want to spoil the ending of this story for you, but he didn’t murder me. He just kept going. but I thought how funny is it that even 911 on the east coast is like “GET OUT OF HIS FUCKIN WAY!” “Why don’t you stop bein a pussy and stop going 80 in a slow lane.” “Did you ever think maybe he’s calling 911 about you? ‘There’s this guy who’s going 40.’ ‘I’m sorry sir, he’s on the other line, we’re trying to talk to him now.'”

I’m surprised he didn’t hang up on me. Or put me on speakerphone. “HEY GUYS! There’s a guy calling 911 because a guy is tailgaiting him. *muffled laughter*

That was the real story by the way. None of this is made up. I called 911. They said “Exit the freeway and call us back if he follows you off the freeway.” 911 on the east coast is like “Let us know if there’s an active murder going on. We’re not really gonna prevent one. but If it’s less than 3 stabs, it’s more of a parking department.”

I wonder if 911 is different wherever you go. Like 911 on the west coast? “911 what’s your emergency?” “THIS GUY HAS A KNIFE!” “What’s your location?” “I’m at the whole foods in Bellevue. He’s putting non-organic cream cheese on a whole wheat bagel.” “Oh that’s sounds serious. We’re sending a unit. Just stay clear of the situation.”

Seattle is getting a little hippie for me. I saw a sign in a parking lot. It said “Reserved parking for Hybrid Vehicles Only” That’s dumb. I get you’re trying to help the environment but you’re still making gas guzzlers drive even further to find a parking spot. but then I thought If you drive a prius, you should be allowed to park in front, because it’s hard to walk across the parking lot with a stick up your ass.