How Dating is like Sports

Some random bits that have been through various stages of development in my head and on stage but haven’t been on (virtual) paper yet:

My dad keeps telling me I need to talk about my childhood on stage more. Talk about my experiences growing up. Which I think is his way of wondering out loud where it all went wrong. My brother is married, and is making lots of money. I’m single. and HERE.

Because my brother is already married, everytime I go home for family dinner. They’re always like “When are you gonna bring a girl home?” I’m just like “I dunno.” they’re like “We wanna meet some of the girls you meet.” I’m like “… No you don’t. Trust me.” The thing is, I meet lots of girls traveling around. They’re just not all first round draft picks. Not the type you wanna bring home to your parents. They’re the type that help my comedy career, but that’s different. There’s different levels. Right? There’s AAA ball… You’ve gotta go through the minors to get to the majors. That’s not an R Kelly reference. Stay with me.

The 49ers proved my dating philosophy perfectly yesterday. Never take points off the board. For example. You’ve got two girls. One’s a 3, one’s a 7. You could easily get the 3 (hopefully) and you MIGHT get the 7. Go for the 7. but if by the 3rd time you can’t get her. Just take the 3. Then take another 3. Then take another 3. Then pretty soon. The 4’s and 5’s will be like “I’m prettier than that bitch.” You ever hear that story about the guy who turned a paperclip into a Ferrari?