New Roommates

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Well. It’s that time of year again.

I reached the maximum number of females that know where I live. So it was time to find a new apartment. Kidding (if any of my ex girlfriends are reading this). I really liked the place, it was just too much money for a semi full time comedian / race track announcer / master of ceremonies / pimp can afford. Plus what successful comedian story is good without the struggle and crappy hole in wall apartment.

I like things simple. So I prefer to find rooms for rent on craigslist. The problem with this (like anything on craigslist) is it’s mostly just a crapshoot.

Criteria for my living quarters:

1. Close to Kirkland: My home club (Laughs Comedy Spot) is in Kirkland. I don’t want to be more than 5 minutes away because often times they have great shows I want to watch. Sometimes I get involved in amazing conversations with comics until almost 2am in the club after a show. Short drive home makes it easy to stick to my bed time.

2. Close to freeway: I do a lot of driving. I hate stoplights and traffic. So it’s best to be no more than 5 minutes from a freeway entrance. That way I don’t have to use my AK.

3. Cheap: While my brother is making six figures. I haven’t quite hit the jackpot yet. Reasonable rent including utilities for a comedian trying to at least stop acquiring debt.

4. Reasonable Roommates: I don’t care if they’re crazy if they stay by themselves. A great thing about being a comic is I have almost exact opposite hours as most normal people. They go to work in the day. I stay home. They come home at night. I got to work. My last roommate had REALLY long hair that went all the way down to legs. It clogged the shower and got EVERYWHERE. He moved in 3 months before my lease was up, therefore I decided I could do better. I sacrificed a little bit on #2 for better deals on #3 & #4. At least I thought.

When I first moved in my old house last year. I found out quickly my roommates quirks.

One of my roommates told me he has night terrors. Like he would sleep walk and get up in the middle of the night thinking there’s a robber and go crazy. The roommate who sleeps next to me. In the next room. Not next to me. He sleeps through his alarm clock every morning. Which is great. So one roommate is going to wake up in the middle up the night and try to stab me and the other roommate won’t hear me scream.

Now when I moved in here. I didn’t realize the room situation was somewhat unsettled. So I met two guys and assumed all was safe. Wrong.

Two days after I moved in. Another guy moved in. He’s got to be close to 80 years old. He walks with a cane. and he’s annoying me. Now normally I wouldn’t care if I had weird roommates because I’m a comedian. Normal people go to work and I have the house to myself all day. When people get home. I go to do shows at night. I roll home around midnight if I’m not at a bar trying to trick a girl into having sex with me. The normal people are usually asleep by then. The old guy – I don’t know what he does. But he doesn’t go to work. He’s home ALL DAY. He thinks he’s like

the homekeeper. The Gatekeeper. Keymaster? I don’t know what any of those mean. But I laughed when I thought Gatekeeper and I just pictured some really old man with a cane in my head. (google images has proven me correct. We’ll see what the audiences think.) I wake up every morning to him coughing up a lung in the bathroom. Which is a problem because we share that bathroom and he’s in there a lot. Way too much. I don’t know what he’s doing in there. If he’s gotta change his depends, if he’s making beer in the bathtub. but he’s making me uncomfortable in my own home.

He also doesn’t leave me alone if I’m on the couch reading or writing. He found out I was a comedian. “Ohhh. Remind me to tell you some jokes I know another time.” – uhhh. No thanks. He’s always asking me questions but he can’t hear very well so I’m always having to repeat it. “Where do you get your jokes from?” “Oh you know. Just life.” “What?” “Life!” “What?” “I get my jokes from your WIFE!” I feel like I live with my grandpa. You now? Your grandparents are nice people to visit but after two days you’re tired of playing checkers and you want to leave.