Groupies

My dad was asking me about groupies on the radio the other night. How much do I party after shows.

I’m not what you would call “attractive”. Girls don’t really approach me after shows. and the ones that do. LOOKOUT! I have a joke in my act currently about a girl who wrote her name and number on a note and had her brother deliver it to me. I started looking around and saw the cute bartender on her phone. I thought maybe she was waiting for a text from me and she wrote the note. So I text the girl and I was like “Hey, come introduce yourself.” eventually, she did. and I was like “ok. You should go back to leaving notes.” she was note cute. I don’t think I’m ugly, I actually think I’m pretty good looking. I think the retainer might be holding me back. The closer I get to getting the fake tooth, the more self concious about the retainer I get.

My friend Jim Kellner who is mostly retired from comedy wrote a tweet once that I really related to: “The most important quality I look for in a woman is that she be waaaay outta my league.” Every couple months I’ll hook with a 5 or 6 just so I don’t lose my touch and to keep myself from never having sex and remind myself why I’m constantly holding out for better. but it’s just not as fun. I like cute girls. I am visually attracted first and foremost. I know I’m not on the level of half the girls I’ve hooked up with. but that’s their fault for falling in love with a guy for his amazing personality. The other problem is that I’m very smart (stay with me on this one.) So when looking for a real life partner, I want someone who can challenge me mentally. Push me to make better decisions and I can talk to about life and comedy and they get it. But a lot of the girls I find that are attractive and smart are smart enough to know that dating a comedian is probably not a good idea. I have a hard time disagreeing with them too. Entertainment industry period is tough. I mean. We used to hold up Will Smith and Jada Pinkett as the example of anything is possible. But even they’re getting divorced now.

Comedy is number one for me right now. So this is all I do. Which is another part of the joke: I wake up at 1pm. I facebook for a few hours. Then I go to a show. – The cutest girls I run into on a daily basis are waitresses at comedy clubs. Which brings us way back to one of the rules of engagement in comedy. My friend secretly hooked up with a waitress and they ended up dating so it was all good. She quit the club and traveled with him. They dated for a year and even moved in together. but even they just broke up because he was gone too much and she didn’t want to travel all the time and she wanted to go back to school and blah blah blah. He was a comedian when they met, it’s not like anything changed. How do you get involved for a year and then decide you want him to change? Girls are interesting creatures like that.

Sure I could go party every night but then I actually sleep till 1. If I’m drinking all the time, it’s not productive. Even if I go home and play video games till 1am. I’m coherent and thinking about jokes and strategizing about putting together a run and talking to a friend. It’s not the most productive thing but it’s not the least. Here’s another caveat I think I may have briefly talked about in a previous blog or maybe I just made a note to do it one day. I’m gonna go out on a limb here: EVERY TIME I’M DOING SOMETHING I KNOW I SHOULDN’T. 99% CHANCE IT’S BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO GET LAID.

For example. I know driving drunk is a horrible thing. It’s been a long long time since I’ve done it. (I think I’m comfortable admitting I had a problem with alcohol.) Luckily I got it handled before anything seriously bad happened. but there’s been 2 separate times in the last 2 or 3 years where I’ve been pulled over after drinking and thankfully been under the legal limit (but obviously shouldn’t have been driving anyway). The limit is .08. One time I blew a .045 another time I blew a .038. Both times I convinced the officer to let me sober up at a Dennys close by and my charm and honesty or whatever helped me not even get a ticket. Both those times I was following a girl back to her place. There’s been at least 2 or 3 other times where I knew I had been drinking and I would be fine but I probably shouldn’t drive just in case but there was a chance I would get laid. I don’t know where those ranked on the scale of drunkness because luckily I didn’t get pulled over. I’d like to think I know to not drive in dangerous situations. I do a lot better about not getting wasted anymore period. A punch in the face and losing your job usually helps.

A recent situation that I blogged about but decided to keep in the drafts instead of publishing included being out at a bar with a girl, trying to not drink and then the girl bought me a couple drinks. Now. Even though I don’t drink much. It’s also safe to say I like drinking. I like the buzz. I just don’t give myself the buzz often and I keep it at a respectable level. So I’m not gonna turn down a bunch of free drinks. I’ll cut myself off when I need to sober up. After she decided she wanted to leave earlier than I expected. I found myself behind the wheel in the parking lot in a dilemma. I live 1.8 miles from this bar. I’m confident I can make it back without a problem. I’m not confident I’m at less than half the limit if I get pulled over and can convince the officer to let me go to Denny’s. I ask the girl if we can wait a couple minutes. She’s beyond wasted. Which means she can’t drive or think clearly. She starts yelling at me and as calm as I remain I decide to take a stand and said she needs to call a friend because I’m going to wait. I was pretty sure the relationship was over when she got out and tried to fight me in the parking lot and I giggled. I know what I want and if you’re going to be a drunk, at least be a happy one like me.

Now if I’m not comfortable driving with a buzz when I’m 2 miles from home. Imagine being in a city you’ve never been to. Trying to drive and follow your gps on your phone and going to random places. Sometimes I swerve and I’m completely sober. It’s just not worth it. Sometimes you are sober but following some drunk people and they’re speeding and they don’t make sure you’re following them. It’s just not worth it right? It’s not worth even the hassle. Sometimes you chase a group of girls and then they meet up with their friends at a bar across town and you’re the comedian guy and they’re singing karaoke with their boyfriends and they think you’re their pet monkey “TELL A JOKE!” Or maybe they’re in your car and your sober but they’re drunk. They’re giving you wrong directions, or telling you to turn all of a sudden and you’re yelling at them. “Just give me the address and I’ll put it in my GPS.” “no no I know where I’m going.” and they’re singing the wrong words to Journey songs and you end up with balls on your shoulder. These are all scenarios that have happened to me. Except the balls on the shoulder. That’s a joke from Adam Norwest about being the designated driver.

Again, I’m not saying I’ve never partaken in the girls after shows. I just don’t hunt them down like some comics would. If a girl is coming up to me and it’s not going to take any work. Depending on the mood, sure I’ll see where it goes. but it’s not my mission. There’s an old quote from that book “I Killed” which is half filled with horror stories from comedians on the road trying to get laid. Including but not limited to a story about a bunch of comics hooking up with a really drunk chick who was slurring her speech and then in the morning she was still drunk and then they realized she wasn’t drunk she was handicap. So they dropped her off on a random street corner. Yeah. See how a simple story about a drunk girl turned into a horrible night? Bet you’re gonna be careful next time. lol. Anyway – The quote goes: “There are two types of comedians. The comedians who work on their act and the comedians who work on the waitresses. The comedians who work on their act, eventually, get all the waitresses they want.”

As if I haven’t beaten this topic to death, let’s give it a sports analogy I thought was funny. When you watch a baseball game and a player has a rough game. Where does he go after? There are many reactions. Some go home and watch tape. Some go get drunk. Some don’t even wait to get home. They start throwing the gatorade cooler around the dugout and yelling at everyone. I’m willing to bet that some of the greatest pitchers or hitters spend more time watching tape than throwing gatorade coolers or going for groupies. I’ve never gotten punched in the face when I left the club at 2am after spending 2 hours talking to the headliner about the business. I’ve gotten followed for 10 minutes by police who thought I might be drunk. Sometimes I wish they would pull me over so they could see I’m sober. Then maybe next time if I am drunk, it’s the same cop and he’s like “ah that guys is always sober. I’m not even gonna waste my time tonight.”

But in a business where I’m not getting paid millions of dollars, there’s a lot less reason to keep me around. I am so EASILY replaced. There’s a line of comedians out the door who want the shitty pay I’m getting. I know of a comedian who got fired for drinking and complaining about his pay after the show. I know a comedian who got fired because he kept messing up introductions and announcements. I can think of two particular weekends in the past year where I had some rough sets where I was working out a new chunk of material that wasn’t quite ready for prime time yet. I also had the Flu during one of them. One of the clubs cut my time from 25 to 20 after the first show. I convinced him it was my fault and give me 25 one more time and I’ll knock it out of the park and I did much better the rest of the week. The second one I continually had tough shows but I had a flu. I thought about trying to reschedule but I knew that was also a hassle. The club was very nice and knew it was newer material and they also knew I was sick. So all I got was a text from the owner saying “I heard some of the new stuff didn’t go over quite as well. lol.” but I promise that if I had gotten off stage and threw a fit like “This audience is bullshit. They don’t get me.” or if I didn’t hang out and talk with them or spent the whole night hitting on the waitress instead of going home, watching the tape and throwing up from watching the tape (the flu had nothing to do with it. lol) and coming back the next day with a different version of the joke. They would have noticed.

So I wrote this and have had it in the drafts for a week or so because of bad internet connections / stealing internet from mcdonalds / sleeping in my car, Talking about how I don’t party and am not trying to meet girls. Then I go and meet a girl after a show. haha. Here’s the long story: The other night after my show, this guy who was with a group of people invites me to party at his apartment after the show. He says there’s booze and weed. I said “ehh, I don’t really get out like that.” but I also thought about this blog post and thought “live a little. You can keep it under control if you are aware of the dangers.” Plus there were a couple cute girls in their group and there wasn’t enough guys for all of them, so some of them had to be single. So after the show they all come over and chat, I start joking with them and they seem like fun people. So I say sure, I’ll come hang out. I get to the apartment, I pour myself a drink and start chatting with them and having a good time. There’s no pressure to get wasted. I’m just relaxing with a bottomless vodka tonic. Keeping a very slight buzz and nothing more. They’re passing some weed around, and I pass every time and there’s no “do it, pussy.” just a “sweet, more for us” vibe. It was genuine one night random fun. I sort of had my eye on one particular girl. I start flirting, she’s very receptive. She’s a dancer and told me she was in a Lloyd Banks Rap Music Video. So after some fooling around we part ways and exchange information (she’s moving to LA to pursue dancing full time). I just got to a house where I’m couch surfing and checked out the video. There are SO MANY GIRLS in this video. They’re all hot. But I can’t tell if any of them is her. I can’t tell if she lied to me. Do they give video hoes IMDB credits?

One thing she asked me during our fun conversation is a very common question people always ask me: “How much of a joke is real?” Well, if she ends up reading this, she can find out first hand. 🙂 I doubt she’s actually a video hoefessional. You have to be in more than 1 for that title. That picture is from her facebook page by the way, and the video below is the one she claims to be in. The problem is all black people look the same. #cheapjoke Goodnight, folks! Happy MLK day.