Google Me Baby Part 2

I knew I had more to write on this topic. I guess I predicted my own downfall.

If you read frequently you know my parents are constantly asking about my dating life. I wish I had a position like other comics who “don’t believe in marriage” or something crazy like that which could give me an excuse. Instead I try in futility anyway because it leads to so many interesting stories. Like that’s a consolation prize. Well, here’s a new bit. I’d trade em all in and tell a bunch of airplane jokes. The other thing friends try to tell you is “there’s more fish in the sea.” “There’s billions of people in the planet. You’ll find one.” Yeah. there’s 3.5 billion girls on the planet. but that includes old people, young people, single moms. Ya know. People you wouldn’t date.

I think the pressure comes down to an age thing. My parents were married at like 22 and I’m 26 so I’ve already failed their expectations. but I look at it in depth and I’m like of course they were married when they were 22. They barely had TV’s back then. They had nothing else to do. You can only play checkers for so long then you’re like alright let’s make a baby and get married. I’ve got so many things going on. I’ve got like 2 fantasy football teams, I’m touring as a comedian, I’m fighting a war on my xbox. I don’t have time for a girlfriend.

My parents lived most of their life without the internet. They had to meet people in real life. They never googled the other person before a first date. How are you supposed to live? Take the other person at their word?

I started seeing a girl a couple months ago. I googled her and I found out she had been arrested at 19 for threatening to kill someone. But I thought, ya know, she was young. I mean let’s be honest, if my therapist wasn’t legally obligated to not talk about the things I used to say. I would’ve probably been arrested several times too. I remember one time, I told my therapist I was going to run for president one day. lol. Yeah. Now you know why my parents put me in therapy.

Anyway, things with this girl were pretty good at times, but then a couple months into it she tried to fight me in the parking lot of a bar. I’m pretty sure I deserved that. You don’t have to be psychic to see that one coming although he never mentioned that.