Comedy Merit Badges

This is a post I’m going to have to tread delicately on.

OK so much for that.

Something clicked. I won’t get into specifics of who/what/when (one of the reasons this post has been in the drafts for a while.) but it had been a while since I’ve even gotten numbers consistently. I have an addictive personality (I’ll blame everything on that from now on? lol. Find an excuse and you go with it.) Sometimes I get too caught up on one girl that is playing hard to get and I get too invested to back out. Tunnel Vision. I like the game though. I enjoy the challenge. A little catch and release.

It’s like sport fishing:

(RIP Patrice O’Neal – If you have time, watch the full version of Elephant in a Room by Patrice. It’s unfortunate that he died JUST after he put out the best special of his life and was about to explode. It’s a one of a kind special.)

So there’s definitely been an attitude shift, a recognition of self worth and an awareness of game. Probably due to a recent event. It’s not purely attitude though. Let’s explore some of the key factors that I’ve thought about:

It’s an away game: If a girl rejects me. It’s not like I’ll have to see her again. So I’ve probably been much more brave when reacting to a girls advances or a subtle flirt. If my instinct picks up on something or I get a hunch, I’ll just go for it. Sometimes at home, I’ve met girls who’s parents listen to my dad. I met a girl one time. Super cute. I could tell she was interested right away. I’m on top of my game, we arm wrestle after my show and her friend takes a video. I give them my number and email to add me on facebook. The next day I wake up, I see a guy posting the photo on the bob rivers show facebook page talking about how his daughter met me. She didn’t know who my dad was, but he recognized me from the photo and asked what the comedian’s name was. Then he got excited. Things with her never advanced and last I checked she was in a relationship (I’m always the bridesmaid, never the bride). but I’ve always dreamed of that nightmare scenario: I hook up with some random girl and she gets heartbroken for no reason and then her dad starts calling and emailing the show every day and then I’m outed as some kind of asshole. It’s like a smaller version of TMZ. but still. I don’t want to muddy the Rivers name too much.

Low Obligations or Cock Blocks: I’ve had away games before, but I’m also alone for the first time with several nights in the same place. Some of the out of state stuff I’ve done is usually one night here, next night 10 hours away, next night 7 hours away. You don’t have time to stay out and party or meet people or stay up all night having some wild sex. You’ve gotta sleep, drive all day, and still do a show the next day. Sometimes you’re traveling with a headliner and you’re in the same car and he doesn’t want to hang out or he’s much more attractive than you. Sometimes you’re staying at a comedy condo and even though you’re just giving the headliner a ride up the street. It’s still gonna stop a lot of possibilities. You gotta play the game to win.

Snowball Effect: One of the first nights I went out, I met a bunch of cool people who invited me to a party in Minneapolis. I made a move with a cute girl and it paid off. We didn’t do anything crazy but just making out is fun too. There’s nothing like instant gratification. Once that happened my confidence was already sky high. If you got an 8, why not try for 9? Sort of how you build a comedy act. You get 5 minutes of jokes that you know you can rely on. Then you try to write another 5. Now you have a 10. That also works with women. If you have one girl that’s a 5 and another girl that’s a 5. If you put them together, it’s almost like sleeping with a 10.

Anyway, after my show one of the owners of the club offered me to stay at his house because I didn’t have a hotel anymore and had a few days before I had to be at my next state. Upstairs in the loft there was a nice private room and just outside of the bedroom was a stripper pole. Now the other night I got a number of a cute girl, not thinking much of it. She said she was moving to LA possibly to pursue a modeling career, I said we should keep in contact. I like to add everyone to my facebook page because you never know who’s brother’s cousin saw a video and knows some guy at NBC universal. I just got a thousand dollar weekend gig from a guy I worked with 2 years ago because I drove to Olympia at 7am, picked him up, drove him to Seattle and then back to Olympia because he didn’t have a rental car. He bought me lunch at Taco Time and promised me a really well paying gig when I was ready. I got the call the other day. I nearly ended my streak just to celebrate.

Anyway, so I sent her a text to come to my show at this bar the next night, she didn’t end up coming and I didn’t hear from her. No bid deal. She text me the next day. I told her I was staying at a house with a stripper pole and that I had a bunch of 1’s and she should come give me a show. She wrote back “Not funny.” and I thought “Well, you had to strike out eventually.” but I wrote her back and said “Fair Enough. but let’s be honest. The real joke was the fact that I had money.” she wrote back and laughed and forgave me. We went out for food and had a couple drinks. Then she came back to my room and we had… a wonderful conversation. Scoring at the club owners house. lol. That’s gotta be some kind of comedy merit badge.

Normally a comedy faux pas. The club is actually owned by comics. I tried to have her sneak out early in the morning to not be noticed, but of course. He’s a comic, he was JUST GETTING HOME. haha. Fail. He asked me about it in the morning when I came down, and I tried to deny it. But he was like “I don’t care.” So I was like “Well. You got me.” I don’t want to make it a big deal. So let’s move on to the embarrassing part:

The next couple days after that night, I was pretty sore. Which is how I realized that just because I’m skinny, doesn’t mean I’m in shape. Sex is a workout, which is weird because I’m not doing anything that I feel should hurt me the next day. and even if I was, I’m not even doing it that long. Can you pull a muscle in 30 seconds? Sex shouldn’t hurt. I’m not doing crazy tantric sex positions. I’m usually on the bottom. Like “here’s your money, you just do whatever you do.”