Andrew vs STDs: Round 2!

Don’t worry. This story has a happy ending. As of this writing. I don’t have any STDs. Tomorrow? Who knows.

Last year, I made a pact with god (or allah, or buddah or whatever. I’m loyal but I’m not brand specific (c) Mike Birbiglia)

I had made some mistakes, I wanted to hang up the jersey and get out of the game into a relationship. I told the powers that be I’d be a good boy if he got me through that test. Things didn’t work out the way I hoped. The man upstairs did his part, I pissed, I mean, passed with flying colors. I attempted to commit, but the girl got freaked out and stopped talking to me. Soon I was done being religious because I no longer needed any help.

Part of the problem is that condoms are terrible. They suck to put on, they don’t feel that great and they only last like 6 years in your wallet. I only get laid every other leap year. but when it rains it pours whores.

“I saw box of condoms that said for his and her pleasure. I was like ‘that better be an empty box. That’s the only way that’s possible.” – (c) Adam Norwest

I am generally safe, I just kept the book of Eli in my nightstand.

Well, my new tradition last year was to get tested once a year in February. I had been on the road, then I got home for 4 days and then I went out again and then I was home, waking up early, tired every day, dentist, shows, open mics, writing. So this February I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it. Then that Rivers imagination and self guilt kept creeping in. I started imagining things, I wasn’t sure if that was just an itch or if it was my dick asking for help.

Finally I dragged myself in Friday morning. I made a deal that if it was over an hour wait, I would just do it monday. I called early. They said it was about an hour long wait. Right on the fence. Fine. I went in.

I went to the Seattle Public STD clinic, because it’s really cheap and you can give a fake name. Let’s face it, I’m a celebrity, I don’t need that kind of heat on me. Right? Hey the comedian guy. Your results are in. You’ve got AIDS. JUST KIDDING. COMEDIAN! YOU GET IT, RIGHT?

The fake name I use every time is “Andrew Luck”. I did it before I knew there was a famous quarterback with the same name, I figured I’m gonna need some luck. My friend pointed out there’s also such thing as bad luck. He’s an asshole.

They make you fill out a survey, but it’s on a touch screen computer. I wore a glove. Just to be safe. I figured now seems like a good time to start wearing gloves.

The survey has all these weird questions like: “When’s the last time you had sex? Have you eaten at Hooters before? Do you have sex with women or men?” I’m like wait a second, have you been talking to my mom?

So you go in there and they take your blood. It’s $40 for everything. They make you wait a week for your results though which is awful.

I keep walking around like “I’ve totally got AIDS.” I was trying to build up Karma points with the universe. I donated old clothes to goodwill, I started helping old ladies across the street. AND getting their numbers!

The results came back good and while I haven’t gotten the full results yet, I’m less worried this time around. Maybe something will show up on the blood test, and that’s god saying “Don’t blog your results before you get them. I’ll show you.”

but the funniest part was during the exam they ask you questions again, I guess they try to trick you. Kind of like the SATS or the Police. Where they ask you the same question a couple times, they just rephrase it. I’ve seen CSI. I would be so good at committing crimes. I also watch a lot of Worlds Wildest Police Chases. I have a secret fantasy to get into a police chase one day. Wow. We’re learning a lot today. lol. Not in my corolla. That’d be the most boring police chase ever. A cop on his bike. “Just pull over.”

Anyway, during the exam they say “Do you know anyone with HIV or AIDS?” and I was like “… Magic Johnson…” and they were like “Are you having sex with Magic Johnson?” I was like “No, but we did play a little one on one. He got a foul for backcourt press.” and that was me trying to be funny. but now I realize they definitely think I’m gay. Which if that gets out, is definitely going to hurt Andrew Luck’s draft stock.