Bloodlines

I live in a house I found on craigslist. It’s not JUST for dating. I rent a room for 450 a month and I’m never there as much as possible. When I first moved in there was some 80 year old dude living there who was always like “You’re a comedian eh? Remind me to tell you jokes from my day.” I’m just like no thanks. He spent most of his time in the bathroom, changing diapers or making beer in the bathtub or something. Then he moved out and this weird lady moved in. Turns out she was a meth addict who was constantly stealing my Ice cream from the freezer because that’s the only thing I own. She moved out and now some weird chinese lady who doesn’t speak english lives there and she just plays Diablo 3 all day. Which I think is worse for your health than meth. I was making fun of them on facebook one day and my cousin was like “Finding roommates on craigslist is the worst for your health.” My cousin is a model for Abercrombie and other shit. and no, ladies, you can’t have his phone number. Actually. I don’t even have it. It’s weird to think that’s in my blood. How close was I to being him? Was that sperm in second place or was he just chillin “you guys go ahead, I’m gonna catch some rays bro.” He was on Survivor and he didn’t make it very far. I’m like hey fuck you buddy. Some of us weren’t born with good looks. We have to learn to talk and learn to be funny and charming in front of large groups of people. Comedy doesn’t pay as well as Abercrombie because there’s a million ugly people who think they’re funny but not that many beautiful people who can live off coke and diet soda for 6 weeks. He was on a season of survivor and got voted off halfway through. I figured out how I’m going to become a millionaire. Put me on survivor. Not eating for 10 days in a row? Wow. Tough. Ooohhh eat this weird meat. I am alive today because of McDonalds. As hitler said: “I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten bat.” I did a show at a Vegan restaurant for $50 and a meal. I had to have nachos and they tried to convince me that I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference with the fake meat. You just gotta hold your nose and you won’t even taste it. Hey. Here’s my friend Bill in a skirt. He hasn’t shaven in 6 weeks, but you won’t know the difference. Just hold your nose.

I’ve never thought so much about the crappy money I get for so much work so many days in a row. At first I was just thankful to have a 50 dollar gig. Now I feel insulted that someone would think that’s appropriate. “Dance monkey. Make me laugh. Here’s a few bucks and by the way, you owe me $10 for that burger you had.” I really need to stop complaining. The problem is I’ve been home for too long and lots of people I know are having financial success. None of them are comedians. I’m a prideful guy. I want to do well. I can’t shake it though. Comedians are ridiculously underpaid and there’s nothing we can do about it. If you can survive this, you can survive anything though I suppose. Like surviving a hurricane. Right now, I’m in the eye and things are calm for a while. I don’t know how long it will last before I decide I can’t drive by that pizza hut “now hiring drivers” sign without stopping in. I remember feeling rich when I delivered pizza. One good shift a week I could pull in an extra 75 bucks maybe? No responsibilities. I wish I realized how good it was back then. I’m going to force my kids to save money. I’m going to drill it in their head what I’ve gone through. I think my dad is right sometimes. He spoiled me a little too much maybe. I had things just handed to me. It took me way too long to figure this survival thing out and I’m still being helped out. That’s what bugs me. I’m really good at what I do. and I still can’t do it 100% by myself. I know a guy who lived with his parents until he got his first Letterman appearance. You would think by the time you’re good enough to be on Letterman you can at least support yourself.

Blah. hopefully some of this crap was funny before I started complaining again. I’m going on the road for 3 weeks soon with my best friend. Should put me in a better mood. He just got signed by an agency in LA. Things are looking great for him. After all his years of toil in the sun. Someone finally noticed. It shouldn’t have taken that long. That’s the problem. He had to drive 200,000 miles worth of shitty road gigs in 3 1/2 years to get that good for no money. Not to mention all the driving in the other half of his comedy career. Alright. I’m done venting. logging off. Sorry.