Bringing it Back: Stolen Car Joke

I recently started doing an old joke for no reason other than I thought about the joke and it made me laugh. This joke is several years old. I’ve only been doing comedy for several years. Which is amazing. I was prolific at a young age (if I’m allowed to say that. #notsohumblebrag) I’ve been trying to add new lines to it to have a reason to bring it back but I’ll try to get some old footage of the joke and some new footage of the joke and put it together. Plus the way this paints my stage character is a perfect segue into pot jokes that I’ve never found a place for and another old joke I’ve just wanted to talk about forever.

My car was stolen a few months ago. Luckily, the cops found it a couple blocks away from my house, nothing was missing or broken. They said they think a homeless guy had been living in it. He just stole it and lived in it for a few days. I was like “Wow. How did you find that out? Fingerprints or something?” The Officer goes “No, there was just tons of McDonalds wrappers everywhere and leftover food. It was pretty disgusting.” I was like “YEAH! Homeless people” [/sarcasm] – I just forgot where I parked my car, and reported it stolen. I Dude where’s my car’d my own car. Either that, or a homeless guy stole it, but didn’t mean to. He just thought it was HIS CAR! He wakes up a few days later and realizes “That’s not where I left my beard comb. This isn’t even MY CAR!”

This is exactly why I don’t smoke pot. Every time I’ve smoked pot, I get hungry and tired. I am a comedian. I sleep till noon and eat McDonalds every day anyway. I don’t need help with that. I’ve gotten pulled over for a DUI 3 times, completely sober. Do you know how embarrassing that is? “Excuse me sir, you blew right by that stop sign. have you been drinking tonight?” “uh. No. I’m just an idiot.”

Now I should explain my car was stolen like 7 years ago. Before I was ever a responsible comedian. It was a Saturn not this Corolla. Apparently high car theft targets for people with low standards. I treat the Corolla a LITTLE better on the inside, just enough that it’s less likely to be confused with a homeless guy’s car.

Now how about a plug for my Toyota Corolla Commercial: