Follow the White Rabbit

Sorry I couldn’t post yesterday. The hotel internet didn’t work. Well. It was supposedly there, but the password was so long and complicated, I couldn’t figure out how to connect. So I just gave up after a while. I was in Boise. I love that little town but I always get so sad and sentimental. These are the coolest towns. Boise and Madison Wisconsin. They’re totally small middle of nowhere in the state towns with big colleges. I get so sad because I never went to a real school. I don’t care about the education. There are SO MANY hot girls in the town. From a sheer mathematical perspective, my chances would have been way improved. Look at me thinking about how life could be different. If I only read more books, I would have gone to a real college, and wouldn’t have pursued my dream and things would be perfect. It makes it sound like I’m unhappy. and I’m not, but only when I’m in those cool towns.

Cute girls at the shows. You really get things in perspective. Sure Seattle has a nice big school in town and there are plenty of cute girls, but there’s so much more in Seattle than just the college. I don’t visit the U district much, but everytime I do, I get that feeling like ahhh. I just want every one of you to know who I am. I met a girl after my show in Boise. Well, I met several. A couple dudes asked me to go to the strip club with them. I had a pocket full of cash from a couple nights of gigs. I thought about it. It was on my consideration list but as I’m wrapping up selling a cd by the door and considering the strip club a really cute girl comes walking by with her friend. She glances at me, I make a comment and she responds. That’s game to me. If she picks up from there. If she stops and continues a conversation. I feel like she’s interested. A cute girl knows a flirty comment when she gets it. It’s her choice to ignore me and walk on by or pretend to be interested and talk to me for a while. This girl stops, we flirt a bunch. She invites me to go get some drinks with her and her friend at the bar over there. Part of me just wants to keep it at home and relax in the hotel but something told me follow the white rabbit.

I head down to the bar, I give her a big hug. We flirt some more. She asks if she could buy me a drink. Score. I must have been really funny tonight. Cute girl. Inviting me out. Buying me a drink. We chat for a few minutes. She gives me a playful hug. I don’t know what posessed me but I thought the opportunity was there for a kiss. So I gave her a kiss on the lips. She didn’t slap me or get offended. I’m thinking “alright. I’m good at this. I’m outsmartting the matrix.” she smiles and goes “Nice. You just kissed a Lesbian by the way.”  “Nooooooooooooooo” – I’m hoping shes kidding for a while. But she goes on in graphic detail about how much she loves pussy and how can I blame her. Which, she makes a valid point. I also think the female body is wonderful.

In fact, I’ve had a few female friends casually talk about penis and it sounds weird. I get that you like penis. It just sounds odd. Why? I don’t know. lol. Don’t say that around me. It’s not a homophobia thing. I just find it odd that someone likes penis. That’s how I know I’m not gay. I just go “REALLY? Fascinating.”

I had already committed to this lesbian chick for the night basically. She had a straight friend with her but she wasn’t cute. Even for Idaho. Well. Maybe for Idaho. Anyway. I had already fell in love with the lesbian chick. Now I get why people think you can convert them. lol. I kept trying to tell her she needs to try it. She’s like “I’ve had sex with 4 guys.” I was like “Yeah but none of them are me. I’m really good at it.”  I didn’t think that I was actually going to change her mind but it made for a fun attempt. She said we should find a hot chick to double team. I said that sounds like a fanTASTIC idea. lol.

Some hot girls walked in, college aged but her first attempt was hitting on a cute older woman who was married. She could not be more shocked and sad that this girl was gay. Not like angry, but just genuine confusion. “But… you’re pretty. You don’t need to be gay.” “How can a woman even satisfy you?” “why?” and all these things. I was laughing, kinda. Sober, by the way. I make terrible decisions even when I’m not drinking. But I was having fun. So these college girls are dancing with each other on the dance floor. Dancing doesn’t give enough sexual definition to what they were doing. There was grinding and groping. I asked my new gay friend to ask them if they were gay. She was hammered, so she had no qualms about it. lol. So she goes up and reports back that they’re straight. Hoes just trying to get a guy’s attention. (and it worked. Hook. Line. Sinker.) So then she says we should go ask them if they want to share. I’m thinking this can’t turn out good, but I need this just for the story.

The girl whispers to the gay girl “I’m straight but to be honest, I’d rather F&*# you instead.” OHHH SNAP! lol. CUNT. JK. Sorta. lol. Tell you what, that’s a good way to test your ego. I felt a few tears welling up. It’s hard to just be insulted and stand your ground. Especially when she tried to whisper to spare your feelings, but you heard her anyway. We attempted with a few other girls, but nothing exciting worth reporting. The gay girl let me grab her boobs a bunch and kissed me a bunch on the cheek. So in a way, I got some play. Just not enough. The next day, I needed a pick me up

I was texting back and forth a little bit with a girl that I had met a few weeks earlier. If you’ve been following along. I thought of a funny sort of random message that I put on twitter and facebook a while ago and it got some laughs so I sent her a text saying “Sometimes when I get out of the shower, I look at myself in the mirror and think ‘I look pretty damn good when I put some pants on.'” she wrote me back and said “Only that’s not true for you.” so I said (digging for compliments) “What do you mean? I don’t even look good with pants on?” she said “I’m just saying what’s in your pants may be your most redeemable quality.” smiling pretty good but still searching for a direct compliment to overcome the absolute destruction of the night before, I said “My wallet?” (she knows I’m a comedian. So that obviously wasn’t the answer.) “We can play this game all day, but I’m still not gonna say it.” and you know what. I was a little glad. I don’t think I even wanna hear girls talk about how much they like MY penis. That might have been just as awkward. I agree, I like it too sort of, but I still don’t get it.