I’m Back With a Vengence (for now)

I’m going to try and check in every couple days. Sometimes every day. But don’t hold me to the candle flame. I get busy too.

The last few days I’ve been RE writing. Which doesn’t help for blogs because I can write every day, go back and edit the old blogs and add a few new lines here and there. And you won’t even notice. You’ll be like “This son of a bitch didn’t even write today. Fail!”

I don’t know how to make this funny yet. But I kinda want to talk about the porn star friend. Because we’re friends on facebook. I’ve got this idea in my head of “Porn stars say the darndest things.”

Some of her Status updates are funny if you take them extremely out of context. But she’s also a porn star. So they’re still a little bit in context regardless. You know what I mean?

The other day she made a post while she was on a plane about the “Hardcore Turbulence.”

I was like wow. You’re a pornstar. and I’m a man. So I KNOW we have the same definition of “HARDCORE” – Now my immediate reaction is to go “HARDCORE? What? Is the plane jizzing on your face? huh huh uhhh huh Hey beavis. He said Jizz.” You know what I mean? So I’m still working on that.

I also added a line somewhere in the front about how pathetic the situation really was: I used to buy her alcohol basically in hopes that she would sleep with me. Which never worked. Which is sad. This girl is a drunk WANNA BE PORNSTAR. and I couldn’t get laid. She was basically willing to sleep with anyone but me. If only I owned a video camera!

I started explaining more clearly my theory beautiful women don’t have to pay for anything and the whole subway / bank incident:

I came up with a plan to ask out a cute girl who works at a subway by my house. Because I figured. She works at Subway. Obviously she has low standards. Maybe she also has bad taste in men? Who knows. And look, there’s nothing wrong with working at a Subway if you’re ugly. I guess I’ve just got this naive bitter way of thinking that a beautiful girl doesn’t have to work for anything in life and I know it’s not true. I have a friend who’s really cute who joined the air force to become an engineer. All of her friends are really happy for her. I was like what a waste! Why would you want to be an engineer? God gave you all the tools you need to be a great stripper. Plus. The military is dangerous for a girl. I know stripping is dangerous too, but at least as a stripper you have the keys to the handcuffs at the end of the night. Anyway. So I’m at subway and for some reason Bank of America decided to cancel my debit card for no reason at all. But they didn’t tell me. They just let me find out by letting my $7.50 purchase get declined at subway. So now the cute girl thinks I can’t afford a sandwhich. I’m like I KNOW I have at least 8 dollars, alright? So I’m standing there like an idiot. “Well, it’s gotta be the machine. Run it again!” Which. When is just me stalling for time. When has a card ever gone through a second time, right? So I went to the bank, and I withdrew money and I went back to subway and bought my sandwhich with a $100 dollar bill. Just to prove a point. She wasn’t very impressed.

I got a bunch of other shit in my phone I gotta go through. But this weekend. I’m focusing on my set and adding these jokes in. I have a feeling the shows at Tacoma Comedy Club are going to be amazing. I can’t wait.

By the way. Friday is sold out, but there’s still some tickets for Saturday’s 2 shows left. If you want to buy tickets online use the code “AJR” and get a sweet discount. Holla!