LuLu is DooDoo
I discovered this app for your phone called Lu Lu. What it does is allows women to leave a review on a man. Like he was a movie. Or yelp, for humans. Basically.
I tried to log in to see what they said about me but it turns out only women can see it. And I already tried making a different Facebook profile as a woman. It still knows somehow.The call is coming from inside the house.
Left with no options, I extorted one of my friends and she sent me a copy of my review. And I’m here to defend my honor.
They describe people with hashtags, so let’s start with some of my worst qualities because those are the ones they got wrong.
#workinprogress – I prefer the term fixer upper. But I don’t think that’s a bad quality. Buy low, sell high ladies.Also, let’s be honest. Work in Progress was a few years ago, when I still had hope. I’m not done forever. I’m Michael Jordan going to play baseball for a few years.
I haven’t had sex all year. On purpose. and it’s been the best few months of my life. I haven’t had to buy anybody drinks. I’ve gotten so much work done.
I got tired of it. I’m young but my penis is like an old war vet. Sitting on the porch with his helmet. Smoking a cigar. “I’ve seen some stuff, kid.”
I met a girl who was 30 and divorced and immediately I was in love with her because she KNEW not everything works out.
No more work in progress. Love it or leave it.
#questionablesearchhistory – why are you going through my phone? I wish I could leave you a review. It would say #trustissues
#nothingbadabouthim – the worst thing you can say about me is that there is nothing bad to say. I don’t ride a motorcycle or fight crime. So I’m boring. You know who rides a motorcylce and fights crime? Batman. You know where his girlfriend is? DEAD! Why do superheros date? Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite and that one girl.
#selfabsorbed – Yah. Not anymore. Way to take me down a notch lulu.
#hititandquitit – Really? I thought that was one of my best qualities.
Now for the good.
#localceleb– really. I’ve been to canada. Try international superstar. Ok maybe self absorbed want so far off.
#mysterious – you just said I was boring. Now I’m a mystery. Make up your mind.
#dirtytalkpro – Look, I’m mostly joking with this stuff. I will cop to all of the above. I’m happily selfish and annoying and hard to reach at times. but THIS is the one that surprised me. I am not kinky, I’m not a dirty talker. One time a girl asked me to talk dirty and I stuttered like Elmer Fudd. It was kinda hot.
I wish I was more kinky. My last girlfriend was always trying to get me to do role playing games. I never had any fun though. We always played one called “Sexy Librarian.” Which is where I’m not allowed to talk, and she reads a book instead.
