Mall Helicopters

I used to think any time a girl was nice to me, she wanted to sleep with me. Now I’ve realized some of them are just trying to sell me mall helicopters.

As I’ve been dating, I’ve been learning a lot. 23 year olds look great naked. but they’re immature. This sounds redundant, I know. I was seeing a girl who was 23 and hot. She was mad at me because I didn’t show enough interest in her stories. In fairness, her stories sucked and I’m really good at telling stories. So I had high standards. But all of her stories were about drinking because that’s what she did every night. Turns out “Maybe you should tell better stories.” Is not helpful constructive criticism.

After things didn’t work out, I thought about it more. Why was I so surprised? and Why was I so mad at her for being 23? I can’t get mad at someone for not being more mature than I was when I was 23? I have a story where I puked on a sidewalk from when I was 24. It’s been a few years since I vomited in public, but still.

So then you want to date older girls. Career minded. Attractive. Smart. Funny. 30 year olds. Those grow on trees. Then you meet a cute girl who seems to have her shit together and you have a great conversation. What’s the catch? She’s already dating somebody. Of course she is. Why would she be single? Somebody is an idiot if they don’t lock that up, obviously.

“I didn’t want to send mixed signals.” But. But. We had a couple fun conversations! Yes. Because mature adults don’t ignore somebody just because they don’t want to sleep with them. They care about what you want to talk about and have real friends they tell jokes to and bust your balls and it might not cross their mind that you’re thinking she wants you, because you’re also a funny career mind dude who has tricked someone into thinking you have your shit together. but you’re too used to being ignored constantly because girls are so used to being accused of sending the wrong signals because anytime they’re nice to a guy, he thinks you want to bang him. It’s a vicious cycle, really.

In this light, Catcalling makes sense. “SUP GIRL. U DOWN TO FUCK?” No wasted time. No connection. No mixed signals. But how to separate yourself as a gentlemen? Where’s a more polite catcall? “YO GIRL. I WOULD TAKE YOU TO MEET MY MOM AND SHIT.”