Masturbate

Now this topic has been covered a little in the past. So don’t be surprised. I would normally save this topic for another situation but let’s face it. I haven’t written anything new on here in quite a while. I was looking at old posts. I was writing 5 or more a month. I even had one month where I did about 15. CRAZY. Now I’m lucky if I get 1. I don’t know why that is. I’ve been traveling more. That’s my excuse for everything. “Andrew why aren’t you married yet?” “I’m traveling so much. It’s hard to hold it down at home.” “Andrew. Why don’t you eat healthier?” “I’m traveling a lot. McDonalds is like. Everywhere.” “So is Subway…” “shut up hoe!” *pimpsmack* I’ve got a vivid imagination. Speaking of vivid. What happened to them. They used to be like the #1 porn company when I was like 16. Now I haven’t heard them in forever. I remember they had these crazy elaborate porn movies with plots. Secret agents breaking in to a warehouse to steal the blueprints to the top secret dildo. I swear to god. Sometimes I actually watch porn just for entertainment value. If I was a much dirtier comic, I would talk about stuff like that. For example. I’ve done this line a couple times at open mic where I talk about “If I was as selective with women I’ve actually dated, as I am with the porno I’m going to whack off to later that night. I might actually have a decent relationship at this point. I’ve been so reckless in my past with girls that I’ve actually slept with. Anything that moved or looked at me the wrong way was getting it. (I should direct you to the STD Test Blog – I’ve been very lucky to escape harm. Plus I never wore condoms. I just kept the book of eli on my nightstand. [old joke but a good one]) but when it comes to selecting a porn at the end of the night. I will take an hour or two to find the right one, scroll through the scenes to make sure nothing weird happens. I’m not even gonna make it to the end of the movie. but just the thought of knowing he licks her ass and then spits on her or something weird. I can’t do it. I’m very sensitive. lol.

Anyway those old jokes aren’t exactly what I came to write about. Funny stuff though. I don’t think I’ve blogged those ones before. Desperate blogging times, call for desperate measures. LOL. I’m traveling in Utah and I was at a hotel wednesday night. and going to SLC. The last time I was in SLC I was staying at a house where they had no wireless internet and I knew I was going to be staying there again. So the joke I kinda thought of was: “If I know I’m going to be at a place with no wireless internet for the next few days. I will masturbate extra the day before. In case I got the urge over the weekend because doing it at a starbucks would be awkward. I don’t know why I would do it extra the day before. Like it’s gonna stop me from wanting to do it for the next couple days. Sometimes it’s like breaking the seal. I want to do it more. I forgot how awesome it was. I don’t even do it as much as most people I know. I go in stretches. Some weeks I can’t stop masturbating. Sometimes I’ll go a month without it. It has nothing to do with the amount of action I’ve been getting. How busy I am. How stressed out I am. I don’t know what it is. It’s gonna be moon cycles or something. The weirdest thing though is that I got to the house and there was wireless internet and I felt like an idiot. So I masturbated again. It was a celebration. LOL.

Now for some great standup clips on masturbating: