Mating Rituals – Typing it out.

by Andrew · March 28, 2014

I wanted to do a blog on a creative writing session. I had this idea of guys doing stupid things to impress women. Compare it to animals doing stupid shit. Tie it in with stupid things I’ve done. – I’ve also been working on a joke about LULU (see previous blogs) and one part is a rant I go on for #workinprogress where I talk about how I haven’t had sex in 2014 and I’m over it. I’m done trying. Then I thought about telling these feelings to someone I didn’t know real well, like my parents. and I knew they would go “Why?” (Actually it’s an old writing trick: Who What When Where Why HOW?) So this is sometimes how I write where I kind of write several thoughts down and kind of talk it out with myself on a computer screen.

There’s no order or segues or sense. It’s just kind of a random thing.

It used to be flowers, candlelight and Barry White on the stereo

Everything men do is to eventually attract a mate. I didn’t get into comedy to change the world. I got in it as revenge for my parents lack of attention obviously.

But we think of animals as doing weird things. We’re just big dumb animals. I tried to google weird animal mating rituals. It was like “Porcupines pee on their mate. Snakes get into Orgy’s. Slugs have huge dicks.” I was like yeah, there’s websites for all of that.

Female porcupines are interested in sex only about 8 to 12 hours in a year – Seems like some women I know. AMIRITE!? Booo. So easy.

But Humans are like Busch light and fireworks. What kind of fish are you catching with that bait? Tired of that. Some animals fight to the death. I know I’m not gonna win. I’ll just sit on the sidelines and wait for the right one. Because the right one isn’t impressed by the fighting guy.

Everything I’ve ever done in my life that I regret, involved a girl. Some could argue alcohol, but honestly, I only drink when I’m trying to get laid.

Alcohol is my mating ritual. lol.

We go to a bar for a first date, which is a terrible first date, I just don’t have any other options. Get em drunk, Hope for the best! That’s my move. Which is dumb because I don’t even drink that often. I don’t like to drink. Not a religious thing or a court ordered thing. 2 coors lights, I can be taken advantage of. dip your pinky in some jager and rub it on my gums. I almost exclusively drink when I’m trying to get someone to have sex with me. That’s my mating ritual. If you’re watching animal planet and you see me on there. first of all, awesome, I have a TV credit. Second of all. This is the scene, that animal voice over guy. The Tiger stalks his prey. The antelope minding their business, getting a drink from the pond. We’re at the bar, She’s lured in by Andrew’s comedy and thought he was funny and charming. Little does she know he’s 2 vodka tonics deep. He almost looks interested in what she has to say.

Kinda reminds me of a thing Birbigs did now that I think more about it but plenty different.