More Fatherly Advice
Not the actual girl from story
My dad keeps telling me that I’m disinterested in too many things. That I don’t care about enough. And something like that as a comedian, I should have an opinion on everything. I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention. Which is a common complaint. My ex girlfriend used to get mad because she’d be all worked up over something and I’d say “I don’t care.” Then I’d have to try and dig myself out of the hole, like “Honey! I’m sorry. I don’t care. I have an opinion. but that’s a different. I have preferences. I’d prefer you didn’t sleep with my best friend but I mean really. I don’t care. because, I’d rather sleep with your best friend too.” So. That’s why I’m single.
But that’s my new motivational tool to get out of bed. To go out and try new things. If I don’t feel like doing something. I’ll be like hey. Maybe I’ll get a new joke out of it. That’s very much the person I’m becoming. Someone who does it for the hell of it. I’ll give you a couple examples. I used to drive a sports car and I would speed all the time just because I could. Now I drive a toyota corolla, I find myself NOT speeding as much because its much more difficult and because it has a thing that shows me the gas mileage and I’m like only 32 miles to the gallon? this is bullshit, I’m slowing down! I’m goin 50 on the freeway.
The other day I was walking by a Karate store and I had a thought to myself like “I should sign up for Karate lessons. That would be cool!” Then I thought. “Nah. I really shouldn’t.” Because the only reason I don’t go around punching people who piss me off is that I have no idea how to fight. That and my little girly hands. But if I had some professional training, I’d be a liability. If someone looked at me wrong, I would just punch them because I could and that’s not the kind of person I want to be. Which is why I wish Alcohol never taught me how to hit on girls with low self esteem because now I use that all the time. The other day. I almost hooked up with a fat nurse who smokes. Just because. I wasn’t attracted to her. I was like you are a walking contradiction. Well. Rolling contradiction at least. Get it cuz she’s FAT? HAH! Unfortunately I didn’t have any condoms. Gotta be safe, right? Heart Attack, Lung Cancer, but STDS? NO THANKS!
I’m sure my father would be proud.
