Only Hitler Understands

I had one of the best weekends of my life financially last week. I promised my dad I would blog more on the road. but the hotel room didn’t have internet. So I’m back in my shack in Kirkland for now.

This gig paid more than many shows pay the headliner for me to be the MC. Let’s put it that way. Enough that when I told my brother. He laughed at me “I can’t believe you get paid that much to just stand there and tell jokes.” – THATS the problem. You think that’s all I do and all I’m worth. I know I know. This is where the rant starts.

I have the same reaction when I see a guy getting paid 30 TIMES what I made to yell action to a guy eating a Doritos Taco Shell from Taco Bell. Of course he huffed and puffed and felt the need to explain what he had to do to get it and all the bullshit he had to deal with. Like I didn’t.

I did a show the weekend before where a woman stood up in the middle of my show (not going very well) and yelled “YOURE THE WORST COMEDIAN EVER!!!” with a heavy german accent. I’m sitting there like “I’m blonde hair, blue eyes, doesn’t that buy me a few points at least with your people?” Apparently not. She continued “YOU ARE SO OBSESSED WITH YOUR GOD DAMN PENIS. Why don’t you go measure it and go home.” This show pays me $50 and a meal. on a Saturday night. That’s a surprisingly common enough occurrence. People consistently yell things at you. You’re their monkey. DANCE! They paid a cover, they get to be part of the show. Fascinating.

Not to mention the years of struggle and free shows where I literally paid my friends cover just so I could have the honor of gracing the stage after the professionals were done and there were 6 people left in the crowd while an angry owner talked shit about me behind my back and told me I would never be funny. While I watched my then girlfriend drink away the pain of knowing me every night. (I’m sure that wasn’t her only issue). Just for the honor of $50 and a meal so some jackass lady can yell at me. My brother directs commercials in LA and I know he’s done his time in my chair. but maybe not as much and maybe he’s so quick to forget. Time flies. He’s busy. I don’t call every day. I don’t write about the stories every day. It’s every day life for comedians. It takes something spectacular just to get our attention we’re so used to it. Yet, nothing ever says “just go get a real job and forget all this nonsense.”

I’m stuck in hotels all day. no budget to go out and do anything, really. Nothing to really explore. Drive around town. Sit on the beach. Enjoy the calm. Because every night is almost a headache. I’m doing a show in two weeks right next to the train tracks. It’s almost %100 certainty that a train is going to drive by during my show and go “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKK” for I think $100 and a meal. How am I gonna recover from that? We’ll find out. So yes. I made a good amount of money and I’m finally rich financially stable beyond my wildest dreams.

Speaking of dreams. I have to see my brother’s taco bell commercials on TV all day. Sometimes at the bar I’m performing they leave TV’s on. (during the show. I know. You would think. Nevermind. I’ll just talk over the MMA fight going on.) My worst fantasy is going to be when I’m doing one of those shows and it’s not gonna be going well and the Taco Bell commercial is going to come on. Some guy is going to turn around and watch that instead of me and I’ll just start crying. lol.

I don’t know why it bothers me. I don’t know if bother is the right word. I feel successful on a comedian level. It still doesn’t mean anything to anybody that wasn’t involved daily. I have stopped inviting friends to shows. They’re not going to come. They came 3 years ago. “but I’m actually funny now. I promise.” It’s just not a respected profession. It’s weird. It’s like being a teacher. You’re abused for no money because you have a passion. Slightly less important but still. Now, a girl from my highschool graduating class (One that I was pathetically in love with) is a model in LA and starring in a commercial for Wild Turkey. I literally can’t turn on the TV without feeling like a loser. Between taco bell, wild turkey and comedy channels with comedians that are not that funny. I guess I wanted to feel important to somebody besides my 2,000 facebook friends. I know this post sounds depressing. I guess it’s just important for people to know what I do on a daily and nightly basis and how your jokes about “what do you do all day?” are stupid. I’m surviving. Tomorrow. I make $50 to drive to yelm at a casino. How does one casino pay 10 times that for the same job? Stop lowering the god damn prices. I made 14,000 last year. This year I’m lucky if I break 20k. How do you suggest I make a living? Saturday I make $50 to drive to Arlington. So yeah. I made a decent check the other night and it’s more than most gigs ever pay. but it’s about damn time I get paid what I feel like I’m worth. GRRR! 🙂

The pay thing is not a new issue by the way. Even hitler understands:

I should have told that german woman the other night. Hitler may not like my comedy either but at least he thinks I should get paid more than 50 bucks. I promise my next blog will be happier. I’m just waiting for the checks to clear. Then I’ll feel good.