Optimism is Naive

Heroic Secret Service agent takes question aimed at Bush

You like my new slogan?

lol. I gotta figure out how to make any sense of it. but It’s fitting. I like to think I’m confident. I like the feeling of introducing myself and then saying “Nice to meet you. Congratulations. Your life is about to change.” I don’t know why. Anyway, on to my next bit that I wrote that hasn’t seen a stage yet. – Thinking back it’s kinda similar to Kyle Cease’s voicemail that I liked. “You’ve reach Kyle Cease. You’re Welcome.” Maybe I’ll get rid of it now that I’ve realized that. [Edit: I’ve changed the little slogan now. “Don’t try this at home.” we’ll see how long it lasts.]

You ever look back on a relationship and wonder how you missed all the warning signs? Everytime I meet a new girl that actually likes me, I get so excited. I want to like her so much that I ignore all the red flags. *hands over ears* la la la. There’s nothing wrong with a xanax perscription. Yeah. She’s got big ears and her friends call her mickey mouse. Maybe she’s just a good listener. All the better to hear you with my dear. Then a week later I get so depressed like why do I even bother. At least I get a couple more jokes out of it.

I hate positivity. Don’t you hate it when your friends say that to you after something shitty happens? “At least you got a good story out of it!” That’s the worst phrase to comfort someone with. I’m like I don’t want a story. I want a girlfriend. I will trade all my dating jokes for a cute, non psycho woman with money in savings and doesn’t mind that I’m never home. I will do airplane food jokes. That’s fine.

That’s the tough thing about dating a comic. We’re always gone. It’s like dating a guy in the military. Except the whole in shape, uniform, life skills thing. and if I get shot, you don’t get any money. I know it’s not likely but I do perform in Tacoma once in a while.

But at least if I get shot, it will be a funny story. That’s what my prom date said in high school when our limo crashed and our driver faked his own death. Great story someday. No. That’s a terrible story. Great stories get you laid. You ran in a burning building and saved ten kittens? Awww. You jumped in front of a bullet meant for the president. Badass. – Wait. Which president?