Saved a stranger’s life the other day.

I was leaving a show, stopped in at my home Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland and said hi, hung out for a while. I left to go home. Now from doing a bunch of cash shows all week, selling bumper stickers and CDs. I had a bunch of cash on me. *EDITORS NOTE* actually not that much cash. I’m still a broke comedian. I decided to stop by the bank. As I’m driving by, I see a guy literally walking sideways. Not sideways like turned but sideways like BENT OVER. There’s no way to describe this without showing you. There’s a hand rail on the sidewalk right there for some reason and he was bent over holding on it and walking at the same time. I kinda thought he was plastered out of his mind but I thought that was some new shit I’d never seen. I kinda for a second had a thought like “Maybe I quit too soon.” The bank is literally right there though, so, I pulled into the bank. I get out and go to the ATM to deposit money. So he comes in the parking lot. Which I was worried about but he doesn’t say anything he’s just grunting and moaning. He sounds like death. I’m done with my transaction but I’m too scared to go to my car because he’s right next to it. He’s not doing anything, but he’s just sitting on the curb grunting and dying. I started looking at the ATM because I know they have those cameras on them. and I’m trying to use my eyes. Because I’ve seen those episodes of CSI where they use your last location and the ATM camera. So I’m looking in the camera and pointing with my eyes like “If anything happens. come find that guy.” So I go to my car and the guy gets up and starts walking away. but he’s still barely walking. So I felt bad and I said “Hey man. Are you ok?” and he goes “no.” and in my head I was like “Yeah. ok. fuckin. Work with me.” he goes “I need to go to the hospital” and I’m like “can I call you an ambulance?” and he goes “I can’t afford it.” a part of me was like “Yeah I feel that.” I was like well. “Can I give you a ride to the hospital then?” he goes “sure. I appreciate it.” So I’m like well here goes nothing. He gets in the car and I don’t know why I waited till he’s in the car but I go “Just don’t stab me. Or anything weird.” as if that mattered that I ask nicely. All of a sudden he’s like “Ah. damnit. My whole plan.” So we’re driving and it’s a new car so itf you don’t buckle your seatbelt it beeps at you and it’s beeping but he’s just dying in the front seat and I’m should I ask. So I decide I should try to talk to him to keep him alive. I ask what happened and he says he “drank too much mouthwash if that gives you any idea.” and in my head I’m like nooo idea still. So he says “thanks I really appreciate it. I’ve been walking since taco bell back there.” and I’m like “so is it the mouthwash or is it the taco bell thats fucking you up? I learned real fast chalupas. no for me.”