Sleep Naked
I remembered an old story last night and thought it would be funny to write about today. I had a girlfriend for a while. She was a great person, we just weren’t great together. I was unemployed working every night on becoming a stand up comedian, she was working during the day and making bank at a cell phone company. So we never saw each other. The sex was pretty fun, not at first because I was terrible and it had been forever since I had been with a girl. I think I went through this slut phase around 21 where I started getting better at tricking women into sleeping with me (thank you alcohol.) and I just started screwing everyone who would let me. (kinda reminds me of how I learned to become a comedian. Work the hell gigs. Cruise in the A rooms. lol. Practice on the fat chicks, use what you learned on hot girls.) Unfortunately, Chlamydia was a real wake up call one day so I slowed down. Then I got a girlfriend and it had been a while. Having sex is not like riding a bike. At least for the guy. If you’re the girl you can just sit … Anyway. Getting off track. After we started getting more comfortable and less self conscious, everything got better.
I’m not much of a sleep naked person in the first place. I guess I always had the whole “go to school naked” dream and felt I was fully capable of forgetting to put pants on. So I always slept in underwear or basketball shorts. Plus my parents were never shy about walking in. When I moved to college, I had a roommate in a studio apartment. By the time I had a place to myself. I was stuck in my ways. I never had a girlfriend, so there wasn’t really any reason to. One night after some fun, I started reaching for my shorts, and my girlfriend said “How come you don’t just sleep naked?” I kinda shrugged. She said “You should sleep naked. Something good might happen in the morning.” I think I had a boner all night that night. I took that as “Hey if that’s the first thing I see in the morning. I’ll subliminally attack you.” or something like that. Maybe she’ll accidentally grab it in the middle of the night. I don’t know. but morning came. and … NOTHING HAPPENED! WTF!
The only reason I did this was because you told me to and we don’t even get a good morning hug or kiss or something. That’s like faking Christmas. You can’t play with my emotions like that. Remember when you were a kid? Your parents were like hey you better be good. And make sure you go to bed early, otherwise Santa won’t come. Make sure you leave the cookies for Santa or he won’t leave you good presents. You come down like 6am and your overweight parents are sprawled out drunk and naked eating cookies. “Sorry kids, that’s the breaks.” then lights the Christmas tree on fire.
Ok maybe it wasn’t that drastic. and a long way to go for one stupid joke. But I’m writing. Exploring my life. This is my goal. If anything comes for the stage because of it, that’s bonus.
