So Easy, A Caveman Can Do It!

Well, winter weather has finally caught up with me. I had a few close calls, but mostly I could leave a day early and avoid it, or I would just have to drive through a small storm and pull over to wait for plows. The night before I had to be in Denver I caught wind of a giant snow storm coming to Denver. I woke up at 8am, drove 4 hours to Denver and checked in at the comedy condo. At about 6:45 pm, a few flakes were coming down. By the time my 7:30 show was cancelled, there was half an inch on my car. My dad sent me an email: “I hope you still get paid for cancelled shows due to snow. Otherwise You’re going to have to sell your body to get home. That could take a while.” haha. He’s an asshole. A really funny asshole. 🙂

His next email: “Be safe.  Just read your blog. Going to beat off and go to sleep.” Haha. Another well known asshole friend of mine, Rick Kerns, lives in Denver and told me if my shows get cancelled, I can shovel his driveway for a few bucks. Anyway, enough with other people being funny, this is MY BLOG that I didn’t want to write. lol.

Traveling is rough on personal things. My laptop acts funky all the time, probably from a few bumpy roads and throwing it on the bed. I have a pretty heavy duty case, but I’m sure it’s fallen off a hotel bed a few times in the middle of the night also. Now on this particular trip my electric razor broke. So it had been about 2 weeks since I had shaved my face. Or at least the few parts of it that actually have sprouts of hair. I tried to grow a survival beard to keep warm for the blizzard. 2 weeks later I still look the same. So I caved and bought a new one today. I have that baby face that grows facial hair at an impeccable pace, but only like 2 or 3 hairs at a time. Which is a hot look, right? Now I look like a 12 year old and a sex offender at the same time. Who wants me now?! I’ve thought about it, my chin looks like the top of Yoda’s head. You know? Like 4 random hairs that are 4 feet long and baldness all around it? That seems like a funny analogy.

It made me think about human evolution. My kind of human is not directly removed from the cavemen days. My artsy faggy type probably never survived winter. I have no body hair. I weigh 125 pounds. What am I good for in the caveman days? I’m really smart but I can’t hunt, I can’t fight a tiger with my bare hands and drag it back to the cave for my family. I have no wilderness skills. Three hours without cell reception and I have a nervous breakdown. (That’s another addiction I’m not eager to cure.) Am I gonna be the caveman that puts on shows? Did cavemen have entertainers? I bet a snowstorm doesn’t affect their numbers.

I wonder about different ethnicities and how they evolve to have less hair. I’m totally ignorant in that regards. Ethnic stereotypes. Except for black people ones. By the way. Black history month is february and as every hacky black comic will tell you “it’s the month with the least amount of days in the year. What a raw deal for black people.” Little known fact, back when they were getting all the races together to give them their respective holidays and honorary months, the black representative showed up late to the meeting and just had to take whatever was left over. #BOOM #blackpeoplearelate #stupid – Anyway, back to the point, hairy people. Like Jewish people. Isn’t jewish a religion too? Does that count as an ethnicity too? All I know is they’re hairy. It seems comics do lots of jokes about stuff like that and audiences generally eat it up, but I actually don’t get most of the jokes. I love ALL people.

One girl I dated for a while, I forget what her ethnic background was, but she hard much darker arm hair and after a while, I swore she had more facial hair than I did. It’s amazing how cute a girl is until you sleep with her. She was still cute, you just start to notice all the things you were willing to ignore just to get some trim. Anyway, especially as a female, how do you not notice the beard growing in? because I KNOW she knew how to shave *points to crotch*. I had to tell her, either use the razor for your face, or wear your jeans on your head. I think she was fillipino or canadian or something. One of those hairy things. I feel like this blog has no jokes in it, except the ones my dad wrote. See, comedy is so easy. Even Bob Rivers can do it.