The Free Clinic
I went to the doctor recently. I hate going to the doctor. I am whatever the opposite of a hypochondriac is. I was gonna look it up and see if there was an official term, but I was like ah it’s probably nothing. Last week, I noticed a small bump on my scrotum. Some things you let slide, a bump on the arm, a bump on the foot. It’ll go away. A bump on your balls. You get that checked out right away, because I’m thinking AIDS. I visited a specialist right away. He was the only one I trusted to keep it on the down low. Dr Google Images. His results were inconclusive. It only made me more paranoid that I have a zillion other things wrong with me that I’d never heard of. So, thinking back on every loose girl that let me in her loins. I could have let a few pass. I have seen the light. I’m going to be a little more selective. No more hooters waitresses. I’m thinking TGIFridays or above. So now what. I’m somewhat confident I’m good. Nobody has ever called me to tell me they have aids. Then again, spending a week waiting for results thinking about how I might have to make those calls myself, I can see why some people skip that step. Although, with some of the girls. They would be like “what? you’ve got aids? So?” (just kidding. I think.) The last time I was tested was when a girl I slept with told me she got tested and was negative. It’s sort of 2nd hand testing. Not necessarily good enough for court but I’ll allow it since I’d never had any symptoms. Nonetheless, time to be a man. Face the music. Seattle has a clinic at the public health center. You can go in, fill out a bunch of information and depending on your income, get a really cheap test. I’m unemployed. A full panel cost me $40. I gave a fake last name. Because lets face it. I’m a celebrity. They have a computer with a touch screen test that you fill out. (I wore gloves. Safety first, right? Seemed like a good time to start. lol.) on the test there is all sorts of weird questions. “Have you had a McDonalds hamburger in the last 6 – 12 months?” huh? “Have you ever slept with a hooters waitress?” etc.. After you draw blood, they say call this number in a week. FYI don’t plan on getting much done in that week. “AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS” is all that goes on in your head. They make you wait a week to get your results. I’m trying to make up karma points with the universe. I donated clothes to good will. I walked a couple old ladies across the street, and got their numbers. Today was the day. Make the call. She reads off the results one at a time. “annnnnd let’s seee…. Chlamidya was …. negative…. and then we had Herpes 1 and 2 which came back as … negative.” and so on. So now what to do about this small pimple thing. eh. It’s probably nothing. My best guess from google says it’s a harmless cyst that goes away on it’s own unless it gets infected. but I think it still deserves a second opinion. I’ll keep you updated as that happens because I’m sure you’re all DYING (of aids) to know what’s going on with my balls. Maybe it’s trying to grow a 3rd one because I’m that much of a badass.
