The Worlds Toughest Job

by Andrew · May 5, 2014

I was thinking about the police ride along (a story I never blogged because I went straight to stage with it and I’m lazy.) and how it started with a police officer said “I could never do what you do.” and I’ve had an idea in the back of my mind. I thought of the link. I’ll expand on the thought’s I had after the main writing and chime in here and there with overall feelings of subjects. It’s a blog, I’m just trying to add words. Standup is where you subtract words.

The toughest job in the world, by far, is being a doctor. Because most of the time, they’re just guessing.

Don’t get me wrong, I got nothing against educated guessing. A lot of us are guessing in life, most of the time. (“I’m pretty sure that pipeline won’t kill any animals” – “Gee. I don’t think we’re warming the planet. The icebergs are just melting because they feel bad they sank the Titanic.”) I’m guessing right now. I’m guessing that this is a funny joke. I’m probably wrong. but guess what? Nobody dies at the end.

I went to the doctor one time because I had a rash on my penis. He looked at it and was like “hmm, might be a yeast infection.” – I used to be embarrassed to do these things at the doctor. Until you realize, that’s a person. That’s a human. He doesn’t want to look at your penis either, that’s just his job. I think in general most of my body shame has disappeared. We all have penises and vaginas. What’s the big deal? I’m not about to become a nudist. But in the appropriate times, let’s all take a look and see – I was like: “DOC! This is my penis. I need a little more confidence.” – He picks it up again and looks closer and goes “Well. It looks kinda yeasty. So try this and if it doesn’t work, come back.” and they gave me a tube of cream (vagisil) and sent me on my way. Luckily, he was right, and he didn’t have to die. but I still felt shaken by the experience. They did what I did on webMD. They did it in less time, but still. I had it narrowed down on my own, I spent two hours on the internet going ok, it’s either a yeast infection or cancer. The real life MD was no better than his internet counterpart. He ruled out Polio and Smallpox but only because they’ve cured those.

By the way. Guess why I had a rash on my penis? Because of some medicine a different doctor gave me.

After the rash incident, I went to the doctor and said “No more of that stuff.” She gave me some different stuff. I did not poop right for weeks. I did plenty of research before going to the doctor on that one. I get things under control, but a few weeks later, I start having the itchiest bum in the world, . I go to a different doctor – Yeah. Isn’t this fun? – Maybe I didn’t emphasize enough how this felt. Because he takes a look under the hood for about 2 seconds, and says it’s all fine. I trust his word. He’s a doctor. Then I realize that’s the toughest job in the world. He didn’t wake up today like “I’m so glad I went to school. Now I get to look at itchy assholes.” and he guessed wrong, because it’s a month later. Still itchy bum. I’ve been conducting my own experiments, and I think it’s a pingworm issue. I’ll let you know.

By the way. Last doctor has been my doctor for years. I just asked him – You guys are kinda wingin it, huh? That’s tough. – He rambled a bit but agreed.

By the way. Full disclosure. Louie has been stealing jokes out of my head. and the trailer has some similar experiences:

This is when you know your writing is on the right track. I’ve had some of these thoughts in my phone for a month. I’m sure Louie wrote them earlier, but they were released last week. Similar experiences generate similar jokes and stories. I need to find some new experiences that don’t involve my butt.

I’ll go work on that now. Thanks for not reading.

Also, let’s check out some excellent jokes on a related topic:

Bill Burr on the toughest job in the world: