Victim of Circumstance

I was working a club in Colorado this week. Nice club. Had great seats. If I can toot my own horn a little bit. The audiences weren’t great. It was a slow weekend. Multiple shows of 40 ish people. One with a Bachelorette party in the front. Yay! The kind that can easily throw off a newer comic if a joke doesn’t hit the way it normally does or if they aren’t forgiving on certain things. The MC was funny enough but only a year in. He had a few sets where he struggled and I got worried. But you know what. I did great all week. The new set is starting to come together. I think I may record it in a few months and have a new cd that I don’t feel bad for selling. I didn’t do my 4 balls law joke all week which has been my opening joke since I started featuring. It’s hard to break a habit but the joke needs a rest for a while.

Anyway, on to some rather deep thoughts. I know your used to dick jokes but I’m trying to cut most of them down. I guess you could say I’m CIRCUMCISING my act. HEYNOW!

Colorado Springs. It’s a nice town in some parts, but the comedy condo is in a pretty rough neighborhood. It’s not awful, I haven’t heard gunshots or sirens 24/7 but I did wake up to a woman cursing out her significant other in the hallway and threatening to kill him this morning. The front door has 3 different locks on it and I still don’t feel safe. Basically it’s a crappy two bedroom low income apartment that’s one block from MLK street. (Chris Rock pointed out that this is the worst street in any city. I wanna come back to this thought but first I’ll try to write a few humorous things.) On this particular MLK street there’s a popeyes chicken, a liquor store, a pawn shop and a beauty salon all in the same “minimall”. Can you get MORE stereotypical? (It’s also fair to point out, some guy on the internet quotes a study saying it’s a false stereotype and uses a street that was renamed a couple years ago as an example. Fine. But if you cheat by renaming a street after it’s already good, that doesn’t count.)

It makes me start to wonder if all the crazy people that you hear shouting stuff on the street have a point. You know the guys with a megaphone for a weird reason who’s talking to himselft: “The government is out to get you!” “The Crack epidemic was a product of Reagenomics designed to keep the black man down!”  “George Bush doesn’t care about black people!” We’re going to honor this amazing black hero who stood up for people’s equal rights by naming a street after him in every city. Which is a huge honor. You have to be really important to have a street named after you (or really good at sports.) but we’re going to make it one of the worst streets in the city. It’s going to have a popeyes and liquor store. Chicken and Beer.

But wait MLK also has his own holiday. Yeah another backhanded compliment. You’ve gotta do something real spectacular to have your own holiday like “Re Discover America and kill a bunch of native indians for no reason” or be a fictional character in a book that a bunch of weird people believe. It’s gotta be something important. Like something from another country where we just use it as an excuse to drink. Anyway. If you want to hear more great ranting on the awkwardness of holidays and America, check out some comedy by Auggie Smith.

Today I was driving with my friend back to the condo from lunch and he set the GPS for the wrong address. We were driving for a few minutes and I literally thought “this neighborhood is really nice if you get away a few blocks.” … we were on the other side of town. As we started going back the right way I started joking around. “Ah liquor store. We’re heading the right direction.” There’s an old Dave Chappelle bit where a limo driver takes him to the hood and he didn’t know he was going there. All of a sudden he looks up and realizes: “gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store. WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?”

Do these people have shitty lives because they live in bad areas? Or do the shitty people make it a bad area? Maybe a little bit of both? It’s the old Euthyphro dilemma. I only know that phrase because of a rap song by the way. Not all of it is feeding into a stereotype.

I grew up probably as sheltered as possible but as I explore the world I start to see more things it shocks me. For example, I’ve heard that Chappelle bit before but I’ve never experienced it and then I was like oh, that’s not as funny when you have to stay here. How do people live here? How do they make it out when the things most readily accessible are bad ideas. Im not really a gun guy. I’ve been in plenty of unintentional altercations in my 27 years. Never needed a gun. Is that because I’m good at conceding and being a coward when a guy tries to beat me up? or because I grew up in snoqualmie and live in Kirkland and I don’t have to worry about home invasions really? Why do gun shops and liquor stores reside in these areas (even non specific to MLK?) more often than other neighborhoods. I understand a business man making a good profit and putting that business in certain areas. Don’t put a Costco in the middle of nowhere, right? But do white people not buy guns? I’ve seen a show on TLC about guys who make really expensive guns. Not really because I wanted to watch it but sometimes you’re in a crappy comedy condo and you have a few days before you’re in the next town and “the remote was … over there.” (Credit where it’s due: The remote line is part of an excellent Adam Norwest joke. You could probably say that about any joke I’ve “written”. but here’s where the mindfuck comes. Did I put that here because he told me he’s been reading some of my blogs lately or because it’s the right thing to do? hmmm.)

Look I’m not about to be the controversial comic (yet) I still need people to like me on stage. I don’t have an agenda. I think it’s just an empathy thing. I want to understand why things happen.

A good analogy I’ve heard used is crabs in a bucket. They could all get out, but the pull each other down, like crabs. I know a lot about crabbing because I’ve slept with girls from Tacoma. #HEYNOW! I also did crabbing in the san juan islands as a kid and we did throw them in a bucket.

I don’t really have an answer, I will close with a thing about my favorite city in Washington. Tacoma! This is the smartest city in the world. They’re the only city that actually puts a HOSPITAL on MLK street. What a great idea. What a timesaver. You get shot: “Hey man, you need an ambulance?” “Nah, the hospital is right around the corner, I’ll just walk.” There’s 2 hospitals on MLK in Tacoma. Talk about putting your business in a target market. #badpuns. Nobody will argue that hospitals cause violence. I think. Why don’t more cities put them in more high risk areas? I can’t imagine capitol hill in Seattle is a dangerous neighborhood. Although it’s kindof close to the MLK in Seattle. What I’m saying is that’s actually a productive thing at least. Put more sylvan learning centers or skate parks or whatever.

Also while we’re on slightly racist topics I’m unqualified to talk about. Enjoy this photo I found the other day of a mexican restaurant in Everett. The mexican restaurant has a fence around it. Ironic, right? Is it keeping the white people out? I know I know. Look, write your own jokes. I can’t think of anything really original. It’s 2:30 am here.

Side note: Isn’t it funny how all of my blogs end up being about defending rap music? :/