You Deserve It!

The other night I happened to meet a nice girl and I was telling my friend about it the next day. He goes “That’s good. I hope she turns out to be a good girl. You deserve it!” Well. Thanks for making me feel like I’m in the make a wish foundation. What am I a Cancer patient? It’s not that serious. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a virgin. I do ok. I just miss respecting a woman in the morning. That’s all. “You deserve it?” I don’t deserve anything more than the next guy. How do you deserve a girlfriend? Sure I’ve had lots of bad experiences but that’s normal. Everyone’s fallen in love with a girl and then found out she’s a felon afterwards, right? It’s a numbers game. Besides. It’s not like it’s all for nothing. Those girls may not help my dating career, but they make fascinating stories to help my comedy career. If I came up on stage and was like “My lifes perfect. The end.” You’d be like “That’s not funny. You’re supposed to make me feel better jackass.” You deserve it. I feel like I’m another two weeks away from him buying a hooker and being like “He’ll be at this bar, in the corner, drinking vodka tonics, just introduce yourself, and pretend you actually like him.” Which… I’m not opposed to. So if you feel like donating to charity this year. Talk to me after the show.